June 29, 2018
Today is the one year anniversary of my double mastectomy. I can scarcely believe how quickly it passed. It's not something I dwell on, and I was kind of excited to get to this day and mark the occasion and then put it behind me. I woke up today surprised that I was feeling quite emotional about it all. I have teared up several times from the weight of all I'm feeling.
I'm not sure I have the capacity to explain it today, while it's still so raw. More than anything I feel deep gratitude, for my health, for modern medicine, for the journey and more than anything for the people who held my hand and were there for me in every way during that time, in particular my amazing friend T and my strong, tender, loving husband.
Aside from gratitude, I also feel strength like I've never known, and the knowledge that I can do hard things, and come out the other side better for it, a comfort in my own skin that is completely new to me and a thankfulness for this imperfect body.
I've no desire to dwell in what was, either before my diagnosis or during the healing of my treatments. I've no desire to live my days in fear of what could be, although it is nearly impossible to not dip your toe in that pool occasionally. I'm living my life for today, at peace with what is and full of hope for what lies ahead.
I have all that I need to be happy in this life and I wake up and go to sleep every day, thankful for that.
June 07, 2018
Where to even begin? April, May and the first part of June passed in a blur of obligations written in my planner. Some enjoyable, some not, most running together in my memory at this point. I am the type of girl who prefers a lot of white space on my calendar or I tend to feel overwhelmed. We celebrated an anniversary (18), had a dance recital, orchestra concert, trip to Missouri, went to a play, enjoyed several dinners out, celebrated the graduation of our "adopted" daughter, celebrated Mother's Day, planted so many flowers, had our first official college visit at Butler University and lost a beloved member of our family, my sweet kitty boy, Tummy (Mr. Tumnus).
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. But really it was just life. Simple every day life- the good, the bad, the chaotic, the beautiful. Life looked a lot different last year than it does this year and I don't think I will complain about the current situation for a moment. Except for my beloved kitters who was my constant companion and the kitty love of my life.
Life with Clover has improved. I can't believe we are 6 months in. Hang on there puppy mommas! It does get better. She has calmed down considerably but of course still has a ways to go, she is after all, an 8 month old Golden Retriever, but we have learned how to manage things pretty well. TG for the park in my backyard and the occasional day at puppy camp! I have now reclaimed Sacred Day although not quite in it's previous form. I will get there eventually.
I've been cooking a lot of simple, fresh meals. I've been doing weight watchers since the beginning of February and while it's a slow process for me, I've made progress and am down about 20 pounds. All the dog walking and puppy tug of war dance parties haven't hurt either. I'm not sure how much longer I will do it but every time I put on old clothes that haven't fit in years and they fit comfortably, I get a thrill and am filled with disbelief. And you know what? The last four months would have passed the same whether I was eating healthy or not. As a bonus, I have more energy and feel better than I have in years!
Even though I have more energy than ever, it seems 24 hours still isn't enough time in a day to do all the things I would like to do. I dream of all the new things I want to learn and try or the old favorites that I don't have enough time to enjoy. I try to pack in as much as I can in a day but I could surely use more time for play and less time for the not nearly as fun things. This is not revolutionary, I imagine we all feel this way.
I'm sure there is more to tell but I'm drawing a blank. Here's to a summer full of goodness and adventure. Emma and I have plans to get in the car and drive with no plan of where we might end up. It was our favorite thing about last summer- Mommy, Emma adventures. I love that she has inherited my love of photography which will make it even more fun this year.
It always feels so nice to come back to this little corner and record the events of life. Thank you for coming by and always offering such lovely support. I truly come here to record our lives so that we can look back at it and remember. It's a gift to myself and my family but you lot are the icing on the cake! I hope you are well and if you feel like it, leave me a note telling me what's new with you.