Autumn's Arrival

 

Right on cue, autumn arrived today. It is one of those impossibly beautiful, perfectly seasonally appropriate days. The temperature is 54 degrees, the rain has steadily fallen all day and time is passing so slowly that I find myself constantly amazed that it's not later in the day. I could happily relive this day over and over.

The wind whistles and gusts, rattling the studio window screens, autumn music plays in the other room, cozy lamps light dark corners of the house, a candle flickers in an amber jar. I wear the softest clothes in my wardrobe, all in shades of grey except for my hand knit socks taking their maiden voyage on the freshly washed hardwood floors. The house is tidy and my to do list is forgotten. My focus is on the things that give me pleasure: knitting, reading, stitching and staring out the window feeling like the luckiest girl that ever lived. 

He comes downstairs and asks me to join him for lunch. Afterwards we curl up on the sofa together, intertwined in that way our bodies do without thought. We fit perfectly. We snuggle in and set the alarm for 20 minutes. He drifts, I rest and smile. He wakes up and kisses me and drifts again. We reset the alarm- 5 more minutes. I try to remember what my days were like before he started working from home. I lay there completely content, sure I have never been this happy in my entire life. 

He heads back upstairs, I head back to the studio, after all it is Sacred Day. I'm surrounded by beautiful messes. I stitch and think. I daydream about the cozy months to come. There is tea and sourdough toast smeared with dark chocolate. I knit. I try on my sweater. I look at the clock again, I smile. I whisper thank you to the universe.

This is the kind of day I want to memorize-close my eyes and commit the feeling of it to memory- imprint it on my brain so I can recall it at will when I am in need of the comfort of it. I hope that day never comes. I hope I will be this happy til the end of my days.

New Beginnings

 

Hello friends. It's been awhile hasn't it? I have come back to this space many times over the months. I have even written a few blog posts but never published them. I don't know why. Something just felt like it was missing, my authentic voice most likely. 

When I pulled  my camera out yesterday, I realized I had not taken a photo with it since April and even then, very few. That is one of the clearest signs of how life is affecting me. In a typical year I would take thousands of photos. In 2020 and 2021 so far it's been very minimal. So here I share with you random photos of various times with no specific relevance and a promise to myself to get back to seeing the beauty of the world through my lens.

By now I imagine we've all heard the term languishing in reference to the current state of the world and it's effect on our psyches.  If not here is an article you might like to read on the subject. I'd say it's a pretty accurate description of what I've been going through. I've touched on the subject of being a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) before I think, but when you combine that with being an empath, it really is an overwhelming state of affairs that requires me to turn inwards. I mean I have no choice. It's survival. I shrink my world and go into recovery mode. I've been like this always but it wasn't until the past several years that I started to understand why. When this overwhelm happens, I avoid the news, social media and all the opinions of all of the people. I pick up my knitting needles, put on something cozy and lose myself in the quiet, stitch by stitch, needles lulling me into peace with their repetitive, rhythmic music. That is where I do the recovering. 

There is no need to worry though. Life is good here. There have been some challenges but I am healthy and happy and regaining some things I've lost along the way. The last several months have been filled with friends, family, travel and new experiences. Also, old experiences that felt like new experiences after a long hiatus.  I have cherished each of them even as I felt a bit overwhelmed by some of them. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone by saying yes to many things. There was a cross country road trip with my best friend for an art retreat, a week at the beach, a long weekend with our couples friends in TN, many gatherings, dinners out, celebrations, a new job for my sweetie and so many other things.

Through this time there was always an underlying feeling of storing up memories for whatever might come next. And sadly it would appear my intuition paid off there...I have learned more than ever to trust my instincts this past year. I'm growing into my super powers.

Now after months of saying yes, I am ready to shift my priorities again and be more selective with my days. A new season is coming and I plan to embrace it by slowing down and being more still, with a heart full of happy memories stored up from the last several months. In a time that can be difficult to do so, I'm looking forward to what happens next.

Winter Idyll

 

It would seem that turning our dining room into a cozy sitting room was one of the best decisions we could have made this winter. We are just coming off of a brutally cold, extremely snowy few weeks which saw us spending great stretches of time around the fire. It has been just what I needed physically and mentally. 

Yesterday the temperature began to climb- we finally reached above freezing. The great drifts of snow are beginning to melt and compact, looking less like a winter wonderland and more dirty and sludgy and like the end of the season. As much as I was excited about each snowflake, I now am equally excited to see the sunshine. I look forward to spring rains that will come and wash away the last traces of winter leaving fresh green and buds of life in their wake.

I have needed this long idyll winter to fortify myself. I find I need more quiet in a world that is increasingly loud and chaotic. I read this quote somewhere recently "If it costs you your peace, it's too expensive." And there have been an endless number of things in the last year that have cost me my peace. In fact there have been days when I have felt like regaining my peace was the hardest battle I've ever fought. And I have fought some battles.

(Cats lounging in the sunshine on the dining room table like it's their birthright.)

There are a lot of things we can't control in life, things we waste our energy trying to control and then there are the things that are in our control and that can make our lives infinitely better by choosing one thing over another. Those are things I have been thinking about. If it's not serving us, and we can let it go, why wouldn't we?

So this week, I am soaking up the sunshine, harnessing a bit of that energy and putting it to use. I've finally taken the rest of the Christmas decorations down, I'm dusting forgotten corners, finishing up things I've begun and taking care of some tasks that I have been putting off for ages, all with as many breaks in between as desired and no strict timelines for accomplishing these goals.

Right now I am choosing to limit the amount of noise I take in, which in turn limits the amount of anxiety I feel. If I'm taking care of myself, I have more energy to put into the people and things that I love.

Maybe the change of seasons makes me more introspective than usual. I am so hopeful for this next season. Tempered hope. Though I know that no matter what happens next, I'm going to keep looking for the small joys in my days and feeling grateful for what I have. I'm not spending much time on Instagram these days so I'm looking forward to recording those little moments here.

On the Eve of my 50th Birthday

 

Tomorrow dawns a new decade for me. In the blink of an eye, I find myself standing at the door of 50, equal parts disbelief and gratitude. There were a couple times I thought I might not make it. And while I arrive at this milestone a little worse for wear, I'm also a little better and wiser for having lived a half century. A half century full of joy, heartache, babies, true love, loss, emotional scars, physical scars, resilience, gifts, cancer, adventure and everything in between. I'm grateful for every bit of it.

And while I enter my 50's with a few more wrinkles, there is also a twinkle in my eye and an excitement in my spirit for what lies ahead. I have a confidence at 50 that I didn't have at 40 and certainly not at 30. My Sweet Man has told me recently that there is a change happening in me- that there is just something different there. I know what he means and while it is hard to put it into words, I feel it with every fiber of my being. I have come into my own. 

So, yes 50, I welcome you with open arms and excitement and a thankfulness that at the end of a year that was especially challenging, I find myself happy, healthy and dreaming about what's next. 

I'm Doing My Best

Or at least trying. I have wanted to sit back down here and catch up with you all but time passes differently these days. The minutes, hours, days, weeks and months seem to pile up without my having taken much notice. When something unpleasant comes up, I tend to think to myself, in the blink of an eye it will be over and in my rearview mirror. This can sometimes be a blessing, but often feels distressing. 

How are you? How are you coping? Are you making the most of quarantine? Are you full of anxiety over all the very difficult things going on in the world? Do you sometimes need to shut out the world around you and focus on the things you can control in your little world? I'd say all of these describe me but that last one is my constant companion.

Things here have been good, heartbreaking and everything in between. In June I lost my dad to cancer. I feel so grateful to have spent the last 10 years getting to know who he was and reconnecting, well, no, actually, just connecting for the first time. You can read my side of our story here. There are so many layers of loss with his passing, but I am truly thankful.

So here I am, after so many months away, trying to get back to life. I feel like I've been treading water. I have struggled to find time, energy or desire to do the things that give my days depth. That doesn't mean that I haven't done any of those things, but when I do, they don't feel as satisfying or enjoyable as they did. My enthusiasm for them has lagged. I picked up my camera for the first time the other day and could not remember how to use it. And today I literally could not remember how to get the photos off my new camera for this post and had no idea what was even on it. Life is weird. It turns out I had not uploaded photos since December 2019 which is okay because I've hardly taken any this entire year.

My days are full of gardening, cooking, cleaning, running a household and generally being the chief caretaker of all the things. Rinse and repeat. I often don't feel like I'm accomplishing much of anything other than surviving but that's okay. That's enough. I'm thankful for it. In fact I have a lot to be thankful for. 

My Sweet Man is still working from home and it looks like he will continue to for the next year. My baby girl was home for 5 months (and was honestly a pleasure to have around even though I mourned my empty nest) but has gone back to college and an experience that is in no way fun but she is doing her best and being so self sufficient- paying her bills, budgeting, working, getting to know her 3 roommates and working hard in her classes. My big girl started a new job that she loves, got a puppy and is getting married next month with the reception in our backyard. It's to be a very small affair and has been made very complicated by the current state of things. 

As for me, I have managed to accomplish a couple of things- the biggest of which is a huge garden project that I look forward to sharing with you as soon as I refresh my photography skills. I also redecorated Emma's room when she moved all of her possessions to her new townhouse. Other than purchasing a new mattress, boxspring, paint and curtain rod, I used things I already had which felt really great and my bank account heaved a sigh of relief! It's not what I want to do in there long term but we have some sagging floor joists that need to be seen to before we can do any projects that are more substantial around here. If it's not one thing it's another in an old house, but thank goodness we love her. 

Hey! Look! I blogged! It's hard to know where to begin, so I just began. There's a little song I've been singing to myself for the last 6 months which is just basically me singing "I'm doing my best" to myself over and over whenever I need to hear it. I need to hear it a lot some days. So I hope you enjoy these random unedited photos from 2020 because "I'm doing my best, I'm doing my best!"

Random things from the last 6 months:

-I got a new lift bowl mixer in the color milkshake and I'm smitten

-I grew so much food this spring and summer, some of it from seed

-I've got a sourdough starter and I'm loving the things I've made

-I rarely eat dessert anymore

-I'm currently obsessed with scones which aren't technically dessert as they have little sugar in them

WEIRD THAT IS ALL FOOD RELATED

-My health is good except for a low heart rate issue I'm currently seeing to

-Clover is finally calming down- although she has been pestering me since I sat down to write this blog post and it made me rethink that statement

-I'm still knitting. A lot! Mostly simple things throughout all of this but I'm now currently obsessed with colorwork

-I really need glasses and a pedicure but I'm trying not to go anyplace I don't have to. So readers it is.

-I miss magazines and the one time I went to Barnes and Noble their shelves were bare but I really want to try again because AUTUMN and CHRISTMAS

-The cats are finally (mostly!!) getting along with the exception of when Mouse is hangry. In related news I hide from the cats every day from 2:30-3:30

-We are currently only using one car and let Emma take the other to school and I'm actually liking that. Now there is only 1 car sitting in the driveway

-I'm in week 45 of my invisalign treatment and I can't believe how straight my teeth are

-Covid taught me not to care what myself or other people think about my thighs which finally allowed me to wear shorts

-I've tried to preview this post but blogger has changed and I can't get it to come up so who knows what will happen when I push publish!

Ok. I think we're caught up. What have you been up to for the last 6 months? 

Be kind to yourselves and OTHERS. And be well. This felt good so I'm going to try to come back again very soon. 

P.S. Ok, figured out preview but can't get my photos to center! Enjoy my left aligned blog post.

A Love Letter

Dearest Jim,

Twenty years ago today, our life together began in the little chapel in the woods that you found for us after an impossibly short courtship. Planned in six weeks, during the height of tax season, on a shoestring budget that did not include a photographer or a honeymoon but instead a celebration in our new home with just the people most important in our lives. Even then we had our priorities straight.

Walking down that aisle to the music of the classical guitarist you chose, I had no doubts, no fears and no worries. There was only you and the dream of our life together. We began the way we would go on for two decades, diving head first into new experiences without dwelling too much on the process. This has paid off for us time and again. Every choice we've made has been based on our marriage, family and happiness. We have been through more challenges than we ever could have imagined and each one has made us stronger. Our first three years of marriage alone, offered enough trials to do a relationship in, but we just kept forging ahead, hands and hearts intertwined.

Thank you for always showing up and doing the work, for sitting next to me as my equal, for holding me up when I have needed extra strength, for telling me I'm beautiful every day and still looking at me like I'm the only person in the room, for telling me you love me more times than I could count in a day, for respecting me, going along with my crazy schemes, giving me heaps of grace, encouraging my dreams, being the one who brings my ideas to life, for being a great provider for our family, for listening, learning and growing with me, for being a hands on daddy, for making us all laugh, for making me feel safe for the first time in my life. For being my shelter, my partner in crime, my best friend, my soulmate and the person who always has my back. More than anything, thank you for loving me the way every person should be loved and for giving me a life I had no idea was possible.

At last,
Jen

Courage, Dear Heart

Hello, friends. Since last we met, the world has become a strange place. How are you dealing with it? It affects all of us but I am feeling especially tender hearted towards the medical professionals as well as any other profession who is working to support the rest of us so we can hopefully shelter in place. I know that is not a reality for all but I surely hope you are keeping well as best as you can.

I have seen so much kindness in the past week. It really does warm your heart. In a lot of ways this reminds me of the days after 9/11 and also makes you think about what it must have been like during the big World Wars. I happen to be reading a story that takes place in France during WWII so that naturally comes to mind.

Are you taking care of yourself? Being gentle with your soul? I know being shuttered in must be making some of you antsy. I'm an introvert so I was essentially born for this and have been training for this moment my whole life. ;)

I thought I might pop in here for some suggestions to help you get through this. Maybe these will be helpful, maybe not. Maybe these will be obvious to you or maybe not. I'd also love to hear any suggestions you have. These are just things that I'm planning to implement or that have helped me. Never have the small joys in life meant more and small joys are kind of my thing. :)

Some suggestions for your days:
-While it's a great time for a jammy day, it's also a great time to get dressed purely for your own enjoyment. Wear that quirky outfit that makes you happy!
-Enjoy daily rituals. I always start my day in the corner of the studio with a chai latte and my knitting. Now I'm adding in a mid afternoon tea party with Emma.
-Get out and get some fresh air. In wide open spaces and keeping appropriate distance from other people! Go for a walk, a hike, a bike ride or car ride.
-Check out your library's digital offerings. Aside from online books and magazines, ours offers videos, creative bug classes and even Acorn TV viewing.
-Spend more time in the kitchen baking, or cooking from scratch. Have the family choose a menu together and pitch in to cook together.
-Fill your house with music. I'm a big fan of 40's in the morning on Pandora.
-Read that stack of books and magazines you haven't had time for.
-Take an online class
-Learn a new hobby or spend guilt free time indulging in one you already love.
-Play games with your family.
-Have a movie night. Did you know that the new Emma movie is being released digitally for renting on Friday? That's what we'll be doing!
-Try meditation or a yoga class on youtube.
-Support local businesses and neighbors in any way you can.
-Pick up your camera and search for some beauty. You will always find it.
-Work in your garden.
-If you're feeling lonely, find a way to reach out and connect and if you know somebody else who is feeling lonely, reach out and connect to them.
-Carve out some alone time within your house. I went from an abundance of alone time to a hubby working at home and the premature return of a college daughter. There was a little learning curve there for me but I'm figuring it out now.

I think it can be important to find some purpose in your days, whether that's organizing your closet or giving yourself a spa day. Something to look forward to can make all the difference for our mental state. I personally like to have some structure to my days so that I don't feel untethered but right now doesn't feel like the right time for a strict schedule. I need some flexibility. I'm practicing kindness to myself and finding balance in my days. I'm learning to still my mind and body in a way that can be hard to do when my days are moving at full tilt. This can be a Sacred time.

Be well my friends,
Jen xo

Seasonal Contentment Syndrome

I was going to title this post "Contentment" and then I thought it seemed familiar so I looked back at previous posts and almost exactly a year ago I had a post with that very title. It wouldn't surprise me to find one with that title every October for as long as this blog has been around.

There is something about Octobers that amplifies all of my feelings. I love a little deeper, I smile a little bigger, I get a little quieter, I begin to slow down a little more and more than anything I feel a little more grateful. When you're grateful even chores can give you pleasure.

Things I'm grateful for today:
-A stormy Monday morning to begin a week with no obligations, other than the pleasant kind
-Lying on the sofa watching the rain fall through a crimson canopy of dogwood leaves
-Stairs for playing fetch with Clover when it's too wet to play outside
-Traveling with friends
-Traveling, just the two of us
-Having Emma home for the weekend
-Sitting on the sofa in the semi darkness with candles flickering and windows open
-Getting back to a routine
-Seeing the Village come alive in a riot of autumn color
-Studio time
-Finishing projects and beginning new ones
-Breakfast for dinner
-Solitude
-A husband who builds me a bonfire, tucks me in on a hammock, brings me wine in a jelly jar, delivers me a s'more and tells me I'm beautiful
-Thunder and lightning
-Contentment

So far life in the empty nest has been busier than I expected. I'm still figuring it out but truly enjoying the journey. I still long for more studio time and although Clover has calmed down considerably at the age of 2 (!!!), she still requires quite a bit of work and usually owns my mornings for the first two hours-if she has had the proper amount of physical and mental exercise. I'm so thankful that the hard core puppy days are behind us though. She's beautiful but...she's a pill. ;) The flow of life is different now. We are more spontaneous than before. There is a shift that happens when you don't have any children to consider. There haven't been a lot of weekends that we've been home and it's been just the two of us, but when it happens there is a lot of hobby time and an easy, unplanned flow to our days. While things are not getting marked off of our to do list with any regularity, we are enjoying every moment of it.

Autumn is well and truly here in the midwest. It seemed awfully slow in arriving but seems here to stay. This marks the beginning of my favorite time of year when I embrace all the cozy things. I was Hygge before I knew what Hygge was. What do you like most about this time of year? I'm looking forward to a week of granola and soup making, bread baking, autumn decorating, organizing, mending, yoga, making and a couples dinner. Simple pleasures. I even thought I might whip the studio into shape and do a little video tour that I will post over on youtube if you think you might be interested. I'll keep you posted.