Morning Mourning

I've just been staring at this screen wondering how to say what I need to say. I don't need to say it for you, but for my heart. My heart is heavy this morning as it has been for the 2 mornings that have come before.

I've shared a lot of joy here and some things not so joyful, but nothing like this. Saturday morning around 4am my life was shattered when I received a phone call saying that my mom had died. The thing is, I have half been expecting a call. Her health has not been great and my brother and I have discussed this possibility lately. Getting that phone call would have been one thing. Instead I was told that my mother had been murdered. Her life taken without any thought in her own home. It's a complicated story. One I'm unable to talk about right now. There are 2 suspects, one dead, one jailed. I'm glad but it doesn't change anything.

You can't imagine. I'm living it and still find it hard to imagine. My mom, Judy, struggled her whole life.  Nothing ever came easy to her. She worked hard, took care of me and my brother and my dad who was often in poor health. She was 63 and had finally retired about 2 years ago when she went to live with her fiance in a place surrounded by mountains and beauty after living for 20 years in a place she didn't like. She taught me how to be a good mom. She taught me how to be a survivor, how to be strong. I'm calling on some of that now. She handed down to me her love of reading, creating, crafting, cooking, home and family. Those are great gifts, her legacy.

My mom loved this blog and visited it every day. She was uncommonly proud of me and the silly things she saw as accomplishments here in my little corner. Any small acknowledgment of me or my blog made her think I was the second coming of Martha Stewart. Moms are funny that way.

I am bone tired, jumpy, puffy eyed, shocked, angry, scared, relieved, stressed, overwhelmed, sad and empty. But mostly I am loved. Loved by my family who has taken wonderful care of me, I can't even imagine what I would do without my amazing husband, and by friends like this, this and this that are sharing my burden, another friend who is on her way to my house this morning after travelling all day yesterday to get back to hers. Friends who have offered to come next week to distract me. Friends who have called with offers of help and sympathy, who have sent flowers and prayers.

I'm amazed that losing so much can be a reminder of what I have.