I am missing my momma today. She has been on my mind a lot lately. She was killed four years and 4 months ago. The man who killed her recently appealed his sentence, to no avail, thankfully. It still has given me pause since for some reason it never occurred to me that he would appeal. It's like I totally forgot how the system works.
Last night I had a dream about her. I don't dream about her often. It's strange. I dream about my Daddy and my grandparents who are all gone as well and then I wake up frustrated because she wasn't in the dream too. But last night's dream felt like a lovely gift. In the dream I knew it was my last chance to tell her I loved her, to hug her and thank her. I just couldn't let go of her and I kept trying to make my girls understand that they needed to stop what they were doing and talk to her. Listen to her. To make sure she knew how much they loved her.
I hope she knew how much I loved her. I hope she knew that even though our relationship wasn't always easy, that I loved her with all my heart. It's so hard not getting to say goodbye and losing someone to senseless violence. I don't know if it really gets better. I don't know if the emotional scars heal.
Please take the time today to tell the people you love, just how much they mean to you. Hug them like you mean it, just because you can.
I'm going to go wrap some Christmas presents while listening to Christmas music to cheer myself up. Before Thanksgiving. That would have made her crazy. Especially if I was wearing white after labor day while doing it.
I love you Momma. I'd give anything to give you one last hug.
Big hugs to you. xop
ReplyDeleteI lost my own mom unexpectedly 8 years ago and, not long afterward, I also had the gift of a dream wherein I was able to hug her and tell her how much I love her - something I never did in real life. I am so sorry you lost your mom too, especially given the tragic way it came about.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing so honestly. My heart breaks for you today.
ReplyDeleteJen, sending much love to you today. March 26th, 2011 my eldest son was taken by a reckless driver in Southern CA, they let the man go at the scene and he just disappeared. Both my son and the villain as we call him lived outside of Phoenix. So many days you wonder how you can make it, the depth of pain so severe. Many times no matter how many years have past you wonder if this is some morbid dream you are living in and not waking from. In 2005, my Mom passed, I miss her so much, she was remarkable. Honestly Jen even though my family has mostly passed on when Mom went life changed but when I Iost my son, I lost myself. The grieving processes is a long and winding road with many curves and the end we have no idea if it even exists, but yet each day we wake and continue on the journey of life. many times the memories console us but many times the memories can bring us to tears as well. Holidays? Well we go through the motions, we try to maintain old traditions from because they are so significant to us. For me my Polish family traditions are important for me to still instill so when I am gone my children will know their roots. Take care, your in my thoughts. Love and understanding, Lori
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs...
ReplyDeletexo
Penny
I am so sorry for you loss and so sorry that it was in such a horrendous way. I am sure that your mom knew you loved her with all your heart (even in difficult times) because she loved YOU with all her heart, no matter what!
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry for you loss. Missing my Mom too as her birthday is this weekend and it just seems empty without her. I'm sure your Mom knew how much you loved her.
ReplyDeleteI remember you writing about her death, guess I've been hanging around here a while. I am so sorry, I think that losing your mom is a loss you never quite get over, and especially when it is something so senseless and unexpected. I lost my mom just over a year ago from a sudden heart attack. I will be praying for you and your family Jen. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteKathy
Awww Jen... your mama knows. <3
ReplyDeleteoh my this is definitely bringing tears to my eyes i am so sorry you lost your mom in this way, thanks for reminding all of us to say i love you and yes your momma definately knows
ReplyDeletesending hugs, friend...
ReplyDeleteI lost my mom suddenly as well, and have questioned myself many times if she knew how much I loved her, since I didn't get to say goodbye! But, deep inside I know she knew! I also rarely ever dream of my mom, and the few times I have in the last 7 years, she never talks in my dream. My world turned upside down when I lost her! I miss her everyday. Hope your doing well!
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ReplyDeletethinking about you, jen!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs to you my friend...
ReplyDeleteYes, I will let someone I know, that I love them. Thank you for tugging at my heart. It is very important.
ReplyDelete{{{{hugs}}}
Oh, this touched my heart today. I lost my Mom in July, and my Dad less than two weeks ago, so I understand. Though I had my Mom a few months as cancer took it's toll, she was angry at the world, and so we didn't have those conversations I hoped for, coming to a peace about it. My Dad had a massive stroke, and was fading into a coma when I arrived at the hospital, so I didn't get to have a last conversation with him either. Though I know they heard my whisperings of love their last few days, I too wish for a proper goodbye. I suppose however they leave us, it's never easy. I'm sending good thoughts and wishes of brighter days to you.
ReplyDeleteSending peace and comfort your way...
ReplyDeleteOh, Jen, how horrible that your mother was killed at the hands of another human being. My heart really goes out to you. I am so sorry. I tell my husband and son I love them every day. As I think you know, I lost my oldest son 5 years ago.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry! I hope your dream made you feel better. :) Kit
ReplyDeleteLife is so full of senseless tragedy, isn't it? And we are left behind to pick up the pieces and make the best we can of life as we know it. I think it is great that you had a dream and that it gave you some sense of closure---if there really is such a thing. My life with my mother wasn't easy either...and she got Alzheimers so there was never a chance to "make amends" even though she lived with me for 4 years in a sad, downhill spiral. I wish I could have found some peace about all of it----even in a dream.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, Jen. I hope that guy NEVER gets out of prison! xo Diana
I know you've written about your mother before, but I never knew she met such a tragic end. I'm so sorry that you lost her that way and that you never got to say goodbye. I don't think a daughter ever quits missing her mother and maybe she was reaching out to comfort you in your dream. I'm sending a big hug your way.
ReplyDeletexo, Vickie
Oh yes, the system. I suppose it makes perfect sense if a person takes another's life they will do anything to get what they want. Unfortunately, there is evil in the world. THAT we can't understand. I think it kind of goes with the saying..it takes one to know one.. One thing I do know is your mother knows you love her. I don't think we ever have closure when death comes unexpectedly. I believe coping with it is what to strive for. Peace
ReplyDeleteOh, my...... I'm so sorry.....tears...no words......
ReplyDeleteShe needed to see you too hence the dream. How sweet. I know she knows how much you love her. Hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful dream you had -- I think you're right, it was a gift. xo
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ReplyDeleteThinking of you today Jen! (The above comment was from me…but I was signed out.)
ReplyDeleteOh Jen, I'm thinking of you & sending you a big virtual hug. I can't even imagine how you must feel but am sending lots of good thoughts towards you. I hope that you find some comfort in your lovely little family and the little rituals that bring you happiness.
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ReplyDeleteSending you wishes of comfort and peace. Your post delivers an important message to everyone. Thank you for sharing. Hugs, Bonnie
ReplyDeleteHoney cakes. I was just thinking of you and your mama, totally out of the blue, on a long drive. I'm sure the deep missing comes in waves. Im still so sorry, but I'm thankful that you talk about it sometimes. You honor her in your words and i know others are propped up by knowing they aren't alone. You are such a love.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry. Your dream is lovely - a beautiful message. Sending you prayers of peace. xo Karen
ReplyDeleteFound you via Instagram. Such a heart stirring post. My prayers to you.
ReplyDeleteOMG Jen! I know I've told you that usually I sense when you are in distress, but I completely missed this one. I apologize for not reaching out, but I see that you have recovered gracefully and with purpose. I'm glad your world is calm and serene once again. Miss you all. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThought of you, while far from bloggy land - so glad I did. Your mother left a legacy in you! I'm not feeling rainbows n kittens lately but you inspire always. I love my visits here. Wishing you love and peace this Christmas season.
ReplyDeletexo
Leslie
Just catching up on my most favourite blog after a crazy busy few weeks. Sending you a virtual hug accross the Atlantic. Fiona x
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