November 05, 2014
I am missing my momma today. She has been on my mind a lot lately. She was killed four years and 4 months ago. The man who killed her recently appealed his sentence, to no avail, thankfully. It still has given me pause since for some reason it never occurred to me that he would appeal. It's like I totally forgot how the system works.
Last night I had a dream about her. I don't dream about her often. It's strange. I dream about my Daddy and my grandparents who are all gone as well and then I wake up frustrated because she wasn't in the dream too. But last night's dream felt like a lovely gift. In the dream I knew it was my last chance to tell her I loved her, to hug her and thank her. I just couldn't let go of her and I kept trying to make my girls understand that they needed to stop what they were doing and talk to her. Listen to her. To make sure she knew how much they loved her.
I hope she knew how much I loved her. I hope she knew that even though our relationship wasn't always easy, that I loved her with all my heart. It's so hard not getting to say goodbye and losing someone to senseless violence. I don't know if it really gets better. I don't know if the emotional scars heal.
Please take the time today to tell the people you love, just how much they mean to you. Hug them like you mean it, just because you can.
I'm going to go wrap some Christmas presents while listening to Christmas music to cheer myself up. Before Thanksgiving. That would have made her crazy. Especially if I was wearing white after labor day while doing it.
I love you Momma. I'd give anything to give you one last hug.