Hints of Autumn

Today is the first day of Autumn and that feels like a fresh start. And I could really use a fresh start. It felt like it was headed in that direction. I awoke to a crisp morning after having the loveliest, calming dream right before I woke up and then on the way to take Emma to school we saw a Momma and baby deer and it was so beautiful and peaceful. And then I came home and checked my email only to discover that someone had somehow charged $200 of unauthorized charges to Starbucks and billed it to my Paypal account. And so it would seem that our lucky streak of 2015 will continue! On the other hand, it is Pumpkin Spice Latte season so it's hard to blame the poor hackers for what they did.

 Autumn has  really started to show up here in our Village. Sometimes it stays for just a day or two before summer rushes back in to stake it's claim. Just long enough for us to open the windows and air out the house. One of my favorite things about living here is our Fall Festival parade which was the first Saturday after Labor day. This year I wasn't feeling very good but awoke to find the most perfect weather and we enjoyed every moment of that day. Right up until 12:45am when I found myself in severe pain and with a greatly hindered ability to breathe. You probably already know this but a blood clot in your lung is no joke.

Here's a little tip for you. If you decide to put on fresh undies before you head to the ER in the middle of the night, knowing that you likely will not be coming right home, for goodness sake, turn on the light first. Otherwise you may find yourself sporting leopard drawers and if, like me, you just had your appendix out, every single person that walks into that exam room will not just want to listen to your lungs, but will want to inspect your abdomen as well as your choice of knickers. Now you know.

So I am home now and dealing with a new reality for the next several months and on a medication that makes me nervous to be me, as I am surely the clumsiest person I've ever known and head bumps, scrapes and cuts are not my friend right now. The doctors are delving into my health and I am following up with a Rheumatoid specialist to get to the bottom of what's going on with me, although they have thankfully ruled out Lupus, MS and Rheumatoid Arthritis. In the meantime, I'm just going to go on living my life, perhaps while wearing a helmet as I have already bumped my head trying to wrestle a slipcover onto an ottoman because I only know how to be me. Just Jen! But it's all okay because I'm still here and there is magic to be had in every day. Rainbows to be found in each storm. And while I started out last week scared, overwhelmed and frustrated, I ended it knowing that every day is a gift and if you spend this day worried about tomorrow, you rob yourself of that gift.

I'm trying to live life a little slower right now. It's hard not being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. What used to take me two days now takes me a week. I have to ask for help. I hate to ask for help. I'm working on adjusting my thinking and letting go of the fear that is trying to keep a grip on me. Also, it would be nice if I didn't feel like I need to have a bag packed just in case, but trust me there is nothing leopard packed in it.

I came home the second time to this lovely welcome. There is not a normal person in this family.

 Sometimes life gives us just what we need just at the moment we need it. I'm just hoping that life will decide what I need now is some quiet and that the pummeling of this past year can come to an end. I am more than happy to spend my days watching leaves turn, drinking tea on the porch, knitting, listening to cats snore and baking all the pumpkin things.

I will leave you with the words of my favorite poem that I am reminded of every autumn and which on an average day speaks to my soul, but which on a day like this rubs my heart a little raw.

Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.