I woke up early this morning, a promise to spend time with my guy before he drove to Chicago for the day. The text on my phone, sent from downstairs, said: Chai, darling? Of course, yes. Usually he leaves for work at 4:30am so a cup together at 6am? A rare treat. Now he is on his way north and here I sit in this dimly lit house with only my thoughts and this cat in my lap for company. I wonder as I pet him, which of us derives more comfort from it. Slowness. There is something almost spiritual about slow, quiet mornings. And this morning a need to capture the feeling with only my phone so as not to disturb the moment.
The stillness allows me to hear my thoughts much more clearly than I might the rest of the day. I am thankful for this. It gives me time to think about what I want this day to look like. I try to balance out the needs and the wants. I need to go to yoga, I need to do some painting, I need to clean the floors. I want to sit in a cozy corner and read, I want to play with my camera, I want to sit in a bookstore. I want to work on a project in the studio. A luxury to have choices.
Somehow the needs always win out. I'm looking to change that. I know it is only up to me. He tells me all the time that I need to take time to do the things I enjoy even as I wage this life long war against guilt. I know that it is imperative that in the end I win. Must learn to practice saying yes to myself as I would say yes to everyone else. This shouldn't be so hard.
I'm feeling nostalgic this morning. We celebrated our big girl last night, our dear, delightful Maddie. I'm just stunned that she is 23, a year older than I was when I had her. She has grown up so much and I think especially in the last 6 months. I am so very proud of her. She was responsible for my first stretch marks, gray hair and sleepless nights and also responsible for teaching me about unconditional love, true joy and pride. She is vibrant, hilarious, outgoing, dramatic, loyal and beautiful. Inside and out. I'm enjoying watching her settle into adulthood and her work with autistic children. She has come into her own. My wish is that she could see herself the way I see her. In fact we would probably all be better off if we could see ourselves through the lens of those that love us.
It is getting light out but I am not ready to give this quiet moment up quite yet, so I will close this laptop, open my book, and settle in until the kitty leaves, giving me permission to get up and get on with my day. I so hope he doesn't leave for awhile.
Lovely, as usual Jennifer. You inspire me :)
ReplyDeleteOh Jen, what a beautiful little ramble, I just love your way with words! It's so important for your happiness to put your wants at the top of your "TO DO" list. So please don't feel guilty!! Wishing Maddie a verry HaPpY Birthday!
ReplyDeleteAnna xx
I feel the same way most mornings. Instead of a cat , I have two dogs on my lap. I would rather do fun things too.
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday to your pretty daughter.
Love your cottage.
Your blog is one of my favorites!
ReplyDeleteI need to spend more time saying yes to myself as well. Lovely post.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful photos! Happy Birthday to your beautiful daughter!
ReplyDeleteStay cool.
Judy
I just love to see photos of your home and your quiet moments. Yes, a girl to be so proud of! I wish I'd had her for a teacher. But I didn't know about the Aspergers until adulthood.
ReplyDeleteBrenda
Oh I think I would have reveled in that quiet time as well!
ReplyDeleteQuiet time is so lovely and precious, only mine comes late at night.
ReplyDeleteAfter a year of not going to a regular yoga class, I joined one again today! I had left my former yoga studio when my favorite yoga teacher (who became my friend) left to take a corporate job. I didn't care for the other teachers at that studio. I've been doing yoga at home most every day, but it just isn't the same as a class with someone else leading. I left my comfort zone today and went to a new studio. And I loved it!
Happy birthday to Maddie!
Such a lovely and inspiring post Thank you for sharing. I love quiet mornings and out of five children, my youngest is now 20 and embarking on adulthood as well.
ReplyDeleteSitting and reflecting is truly a luxury. I didn't get that until I retired because even in my long summers as a teacher, I was always trying to cram in a ton of activities and projects. But now, I spend my mornings deciding what my day will look like and I love it.
ReplyDeleteHave a great weekend.
Aww yes quiet time! I too love my early morning quiet time...just me, the dog, a candle burning and a big cup of warm coffee.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely heartwarming post! ☺️
ReplyDeleteI love popping in to see what you are seeing and thinking. Happy Birthday to your oldest girl! You make me want to paint everything white and blue. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's all lovely! Your thoughts, your daughter, your kitty, your home! I love the quiet of the morning, when you have a minute to just breathe it all in, and the whole day is ahead of you, yours to do with what you will....well, on weekends, anyway! :)
ReplyDeleteSo refreshing to read this morning. I love stopping by here! Have a wonderful day!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful thoughts and words. Take care sweetie!
ReplyDeleteI really love when I see one of your posts pop up, Jen. They always give me ideas to savor and inspiration to make changes. I also find it very difficult to balance the wants and needs. I used to refer to it when I thought of spending money but I can see that it reverberates in many other aspects of our lives. I love the freedom I have now that my kids are on their own (although they pop in and out on a daily basis!). I can do what I please. That makes me have a bit of a battle with the needs because I can choose shopping over a good run, or reading a bit rather than doing laundry. That's my 'guilt'.
ReplyDeleteYour daughter is lovely. Just two years younger than my youngest. They are fascinating at this age. So wise one minute, so vulnerable the next.
One of these days we have to meet up. Halfway perhaps. I feel like we've known each other forever! And thanks for a sweet comment today!
Jane
Happy Birthday Mom! My hubby has always wished me Happy Birthday on my children's birthdays. A very special day for the Mom too! Such memories. Your daughter is lovely and a testament to a wonderful upbringing. Way to go. Enjoy that cat and book, you deserve it! :) Kit
ReplyDeleteYou are so in tune with what is right and good! Your posts inspire me so much. It is true we must win the battle of guilt by bravely looking within ourselves to practice what really feeds our soul and brings us joy. It is so hard for me to paint. I just read a quote in a drawing book about the different sides of our brain. Our left (logical thinking brain) doesn't want to let the right brain take over and be creative because it will be left out! I'm going to have to start telling it to hush. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so in tune with what is right and good! Your posts inspire me so much. It is true we must win the battle of guilt by bravely looking within ourselves to practice what really feeds our soul and brings us joy. It is so hard for me to paint. I just read a quote in a drawing book about the different sides of our brain. Our left (logical thinking brain) doesn't want to let the right brain take over and be creative because it will be left out! I'm going to have to start telling it to hush. :)
ReplyDeleteKitties are the best stress relievers in the universe!! Your post was lovely and uplifting and your daughter is beautiful!!
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you from J and princess Posie cat.
Why is it that time we spend doing our own 'thing' is always followed by guilt. Even to the point where we talk ourselves out of doing something we want to because we think we should be dong something else that others benefit from but not us????
ReplyDelete