September 04, 2019

Anticipation


It's early morning and the house is empty again. Emma has gone back to school after a holiday weekend. Upon waking, there is a blurry moment when I think she is there, up two stairs and around a corner and then... realization. I am sad for a moment and then I am... pleased? content? There is a feeling that settles over the house, over me that I can't quite name. After many years of essentially living the same day over and over, I awake with a new excitement. What will today bring? Where before there was a schedule bookended by carpool runs, there is now variety, flexibility, spontaneity and...anticipation. I think that is what I'm feeling.


There is a stillness in my soul when I make space in my day for it, when I sit in the quiet alone with my thoughts. For awhile I've not had room for it and now that it is here I could weep with relief. My brain is beginning to settle down. The constant swirl of to do's fading away, leaving space for dreams and creativity.


I'm just now discovering how vital that stillness is for my survival. I want to protect this quiet peace, to keep a firm grasp on it and not let go again. I don't want to feel untethered to the core of who I am, lost in the demands of life, wholly swallowed up until there is not a lot left behind.


I feel I am on the precipice of discovery. I can look back on my life to this point and see the events that have changed me and caused me to grow and expand and I have no doubt that this is one of them. At a time when, perhaps I could be looking back at all that was and what is lost, instead I am looking forward with great eagerness at what comes next.


9 comments:

Susie said...

Even the cat knows it's quiet. :) There will be days it will seem unbearably quiet. I see you have a needle work hobby...that may keep you busy. :) Blessings to you, young mommy. xoxo, Susie

Melanie said...

I love your positive and affirming outlook on your "new life". As INFJ's, we need a lot of alone and quiet time and now you are getting it. My hubby has been home on vacation for six days now, plus I had a lot of socializing this Labor Day weekend. I am totally burned out today. I did go to yoga class this morning, which helped but I'm still feel unsettled. Hubby just went to work (an extra PM shift) so now until 11 PM I have my alone time - hurray! I hope this isn't taken the wrong way; I love my husband fiercely and he is my rock. But when my space is invaded 24/7 for days on end, I become quite unraveled. Laundry is finishing up in the dryer, then I'm running to the store for some fresh veggies and fruits. Coming home to make a lovely pearl barley and red lentil stew...fill the house with wonderful smells on this cool, cloudy day.

Kit said...

My word for that feeling is "squeally!" The feeling of utter excitement for what the day may hold. The wonderful feeling that it is now all about what I want to do. Enjoy! : ) Kit

Anonymous said...

Oh Melanie, your comment was meant for me today! My husband has been off work for six weeks and he is here everyday, all day. I too love him deeply, but need my time alone! I work part time but my office is at home and it has me stressed out to work around him! I was feeling quilt because in one more week he will be back to work! I can't wait to get my routine back! I have been beside myself some days and actually have broken down and feeling depressed! Thank you for allowing me to see I am not alone!

mrsrobinson said...

I do love those gentle days when there is just time. Time for anything, or nothing. Hope you had many moments of stillness this week...

Penny from Enjoying The Simple Things said...

I love my quiet time. I am happy you are excited about the next chapter.

Blondie's Journal said...

You always express your most innermost feelings so well, Jen, and your sense of calmness means so much to all of us in many ways. I, too, felt very unravled when Abby left for school. I dreaded it for months before, losing my baby and having an empty nest. And I walked past her bedroom for days thinking I would spot her in it; reading, texting, on her laptop. But it was empty. Long story short, I adjusted and slipped into my own patterns, like you, untethered.

I hope you continue to explore, dream, and grow. And please, share it with us! :)

Jane x

Mereknits said...

Such a beautiful post. You have expressed yourself in such a gorgeous manner. I am always feeling I am on a wheel spinning so fast to get all I need to get done. I do try to start and end each day with stillness, I hope it helps.

Jboo said...

Love your posts and to see what comes next for you! I'm sure it will be creative and beautiful!